With the new year comes new opportunities – spending time with friends and family, collaborating with coworkers, achieving personal goals, and much more. Some look forward to making new memories with the people in their lives or tackling exciting challenges. Others may feel anxious about certain social events or interactions that will happen this year.
It’s not uncommon for there to be a conflict of interest or personalities that don’t blend well across your family, friend group, or workplace. Small disagreements can often evolve into hurtful arguments that may take a toll on the well-being of all involved. Start your year off right in your relationships by reducing and managing conflicts using “I” statements and other techniques that prevent unproductive communication. Here, we share therapists’ recommended ways to smooth over friction with others this year while positively maintaining your own personal mental health.
Conflicts Can Be Common – You Can Choose Your Reaction
As individuals, we are all unique with differing beliefs, perspectives, values, opinions, and innate reactions. This is a good thing, as these differences are what make humanity so intricate and wonderful. However, the things that make us “us” can sometimes cause friction within social settings when challenged by someone with opposing viewpoints or a different personality. When this happens, it’s first and foremost important to remember that each of us has the potential to influence a difficult situation by managing our reactions and doing our best to practice self-control in our responses toward someone.
If someone is concerned for you, your health, or your habits, they may ask personal questions or offer suggestions on how to improve or change what they see as “negative” attributes. While their words may come from a good place, they may be triggering and unwelcome nonetheless. When experiencing this, reframe instinctual defensive responses by using “I” statements in order to set firm boundaries in a calm and collected manner with your friends and family.
What Is an “I” Statement?
An “I” statement is a way of rephrasing frustrations to communicate an individual’s feelings, actions, and beliefs, which makes it easier for listeners to accept and work toward a compromise for a dispute. “I” statements are less accusatory expressions that prevent the listener from becoming defensive during the pursuit of a problem that needs to be solved. By using these types of self-affirming words, you are focusing on your own feelings instead of the wrongdoings and behaviors of others. Leading with “I feel” or explaining your point of view allows you to express the hurt caused by the other, without accusing them, which often only invokes defensive responses.
This is a technique often used by therapists in marital, couples, and family counseling, yet it functions beyond romantic and familial relationships. It works by helping to prevent aggressive blaming while promoting understanding of different perspectives, which allows individuals to reach a resolution.
How to Form an “I” Statement
When forming an “I” statement, lead with how you are feeling, like “I feel frustrated when…” Then, try to connect this feeling with the circumstances, or a problem that can be solved. This prepares the listener to recognize your emotions and work toward a solution to the problem.
For example, if a messy home is causing problems, you can prompt a productive discussion about it by using “I” statements. Your initial instinct may be to say, “You always make messes and never clean anything!” Instead, take a breath and rephrase this quick accusatory response to be more collected and formatted around an “I” statement for better results, such as “I feel frustrated when I come home and see dirty laundry on the floor that I have to step around. I get overwhelmed when my environment is messy and I have to clean it every day on my own. Can we both make an effort to put everything in the hamper?”
Other examples include:
“You don’t care enough about me to check in with me.”
Reframe as an “I” statement: “I miss being able to share more about my weekly life with you. How can we better stay in touch with one another?”
“You’re always bossing me around and you never ask me what I want to do!”
Reframe as an “I” statement: “I feel as if I don’t get to express my desires often enough. What if I have an idea of what I want to do? I don’t always get to tell you about it, and it puts me down, how can we fix that?”
It can be challenging to rephrase feelings into “I” statements in a productive manner when first learning this technique. Sometimes, statements can still be accusatory in nature, even when they start with “I feel.” For example, if you were to say, “I feel like you never listen to me,” this technically is an “I” statement that focuses on the emotions of the speaker; however, it still ends with an accusation of the other. Statements should continue to focus on the speaker’s feelings and offer a solution.
Using this communication style may take time and practice to implement with ease, especially in moments of frustration. Give yourself and others as much grace as possible as you navigate this new way of expressing yourself. While there is no guarantee that “I” statements will solve all oppositions in relationships, they set the tone for an open dialogue to take place and prevent the discussion from immediately escalating into a heated verbal fight.
There’s No Shame in Setting Healthy Boundaries, or in Sitting It Out
Whether you’re attending a social gathering or going about your daily life, there are bound to be situations you may dread due to difficult people, conversations, or situations. To avoid escalating potential conflicts, prepare yourself with “I” statements that express your boundaries.
For example, a family member may pressure you enjoy a celebratory drink despite knowing you are in recovery, or may pressure you for details on your current treatment. A friend may repeatedly ask you to attend a social gathering where another person not conducive to your well-being will also be present. Or someone you may not know as well will still ask intrusive questions.
Be firm and confident in establishing boundaries in such situations with your “I” statements. These may include:
“I feel uncomfortable with your questions and will not be discussing this topic tonight.”
“I’m looking forward to seeing everyone, but I will be leaving at [set time].”
“I don’t appreciate being pressured after I have said no. Please respect this and do not ask again.”
Above all, remember that, sometimes, choosing what is be best for you is choosing to refrain from attending certain events with certain people. If you think a gathering or situation may lead negatively affect your mental health, you have the power to choose whether or not you attend.
Evaluate Your Energy Output and Your Own Mental Peace
While “I” statements can help reduce heated arguments and uncomfortable conflicts, it’s important to regularly evaluate if their use is improving the relationships in your life.
If you begin to realize you are putting a lot of energy and effort into a relationship with little reciprocation or resolution, there may be something deeper at play. Pay attention to how this person responds to you setting boundaries for yourself. Investigate the root causes of issues present in this relationship by asking yourself if you feel valued by this person.
Do their actions and behaviors overall reflect care and respect toward you? If not, it may be time to set some stronger boundaries or even consider not being in a relationship with this person to protect your mental and emotional well-being.
Wings Recovery Can Help
If you or a loved one is struggling to manage conflicts in their life or are dealing with relational trauma, the Wings Recovery staff is here to help. Our mental health programs provide individuals with the resources they need to understand their difficulties and work to overcome them.
By utilizing a combination of evidence-based and holistic therapy approaches, our therapists help individuals find the method that works best for them.
To learn more about how Wings Recovery can help you find hope and healing in your personal life and relationships, visit: https://www.wingsrecovery.org/treatment-approach/ or call us at 1-888-790-9377 with questions.